It Happened For a Reason: Life Lessons of a 22 Year Old

A Poem: Thoughts

2011-11-01T16:14:00.001-05:00

Some got it, some don't,
Some wish they will, but act they won't.
Some have, and some may,
Some wish for will, others find a way.
Some sit still, some move,
Some search for meaning, finding proof.
Some understand, some are confused,
Some do nothing, as innocence is abused.

We all make choices, consequences served,
A dish cold or hot, regardless rules are observed.
Revenge of lovers, betrayal of sinners,
If hearts are broken, no one is a winner.
The point of it all, the essence of life,
Regardless of stature, all encompassing strife.
Not a day goes by, conflict doesn't abound,
In a hostile world, rarely peace surround.

When you wake, when you lie,
What side of the bed, live or die,
Truth or meaning, answers questions,
Your approach, everyone has suggestions,
A eulogy of the world, its R.I.P. so clearly,
Written on the hearts of men, held so dearly,
Nothing good, only bad comes of him,
No sense made none gained, only sin.

If you're lost, no worries need to be had,
Nod your head, keep walking be glad.
Take your drugs, drink your drink,
Wash your hands, the filth in your sink,
Clogs your drain, and no amount of rain,
Will wash it away, we're all hurt in pain.
Ending is so easy, pull the trigger,
Lives lost, if only we had the answer.

This misery, such a pitiful waste,
What a short life, taken with haste.
Time is short, our lives but a drop,
Step out on the ledge, a view from the top.
A long fall, but it happens quickly,
Once you begin that journey, who's with thee?
When we die, most of us are alone,
No computer, no text, no phone.

Our lives and choices, no meaning but what we make,
The path we walk, resulting from the steps we take.
To destruction and ruin, or life abundantly,
When given the option, what'll it be?
Our decisions, observations from mistakes,
Influence our outcomes and eternal fate.
To hell with it all, or to heaven instead,
What we do now, determines whether we're dead.

A Poem: Misery

2011-10-16T13:30:00.002-05:00

Like a ship with no sail, you're stuck out at sea,
As the storm rages on, you're capsized and left drowning,

You take your first last breath, as the water level begins to rise,
Looking back at memories past, life slips away as you die,

Lungs filled to the top, suffocation cuts no slack,
The damage has been done, a life lost isn't one taken back,

Thus ends your life, upside down in this sea,
Capsized with no sail, your epitaph reads "a life of misery"

A Poem: Oh Bunny

2011-09-14T22:13:00.002-05:00

I am a rabbit hopping through the forest, Uncertainty surrounds the destination of my course,

Cheap rhymes beneath my furry feet, Almost hit my head bouncing, my downfall nearly complete,

My long ears not big enough to hear them creeping, Wolves surrounding, I'm ready to be eaten,

Lunch or dinner I think it's half past three, Concerned about the time, about to die, what's wrong with me,

I follow my path dare not diverge from the norm, Though I'm heading to destruction I choose to conform,

I can hear them breathing my time is nearly done, I remain still, frozen in time, I'm breakfast with the rising sun,

No amount of leaves or grass will cover my flesh, As they surround me completely why haven't I got that yet,

Their teeth sink into my back I'm as good as dead, Why I was so stubborn, made perfect sense in my head,

I waited too long I'm a casualty for a lost cause, I couldn't see past my own ways, denying my own flaws,

I knew this path was easier, more simple to understand, My foolishness and ignorance were the undoing of my plan,

What seemed easy ultimately cost this bunny its life, If taken the road less traveled perhaps today still alive,

Learn from this silly story much to glean, The path of Christ, a walk in the park isn't what that means,

Bristles, thorns and many pokey things await, Yet temporary pain is ultimately worth His eternal fate.

A Poem: a Woman

2011-09-12T22:01:00.002-05:00

A thought of her arises, like a ghost from the grave,
Do I have the strength to face her, can I be so brave?

How do I handle this, a daylight haunting,
In my waking and sleeping, a task so daunting.

This life we once shared, together our own,
Now a distant memory, that I'm writing about on my phone.

Thoughts spurred on in my mind, I type the words before me,
Inspired by memories, her reminder of what used to be.

She appears when she wills, gone all the more quickly,
Her presence lingers long enough, then leaves me empty.

A consistent pattern, she continues to maintain,
Her tormenting of me, though I beg she won't refrain.

So where does this leave me, among the ice flowing from her veins,
This heartless cold woman, what is her name?

Is it guilt or regret, perhaps my past and my failures,
Will she ever leave me, or can I possibly escape her?

Who she is, by rule has crafted what I've become,
And what she is, by fact is because of what I've done.

So the answer is no, by my side she'll stay,
Until the day I die, with me she'll remain.

A Poem: After Seeing What I Have.

2011-09-12T21:58:00.002-05:00

Not sure I even wanna bother, not sure I even care,
After seeing what I have, I don't want what's out there.

Misery and solace, too much pain and regret,
After seeing what I have, definitely not worth it.

A repeating pattern, everywhere I look,
After seeing what I have, I'm just reading a familiar book.

I'm sick of what I see, there's no fairytale ending,
After seeing what I have, hoping it'll be different isn't time worth spending.

Is it all a loss, any hope out there,
After seeing what I have, I simply know life isn't fair.

A Poem: Restless

2011-09-05T18:29:00.000-05:00

I toss and turn in my sleep,

dreams of madness awake me,

I don't know why can't it be,

enough confusion give me simplicity.

My vision is blurred I rub my eyes,

never seems to matter even if I try,

the picture is crooked it's out of line,

I always come up short out of time.

It makes no sense there is no ending,

how can there be a future without a beginning,

in my bed I'm restlessly spinning,

all is lost I'm done comprehending.

A Poem: Haunting

2011-08-31T23:08:00.001-05:00

Please don't haunt me tonight, sleep is supposed to be rest, not torment my dear.

I can't handle being trapped, I'm afraid to sleep, no peace only fear.

Dreams are my own subconscious, yet they're somehow yours, forcing me to tears.

In daylight or nighttime flooding my thoughts, I'm forever drowning, to be followed throughout my years.

Is there a happy ending in sight, am I to know, the course remains unclear, one fact remains certain, a doubt I'll never have, your presence is always near.

A Poem: My Dreams, Her Dwelling

2011-08-30T10:32:00.002-05:00

Like a knife in the chest,
Her cold breath crawls down my neck.
Waking or sleeping she haunts my every step,
My dreams or reality what'll she do next?

She turns the pages quickly, only to another begin,
Every day a new book, no closure, no end.
Is she to linger within my inmost being,
Are these ghosts of my past or present I'm seeing?

The incessant pounding of her fists against my soul,
I can't let her in, the turmoil I can't show.
A war I can't win against who I once was,
She plays by no rules, doesn't only just because.

Peace isn't an option, to cope is all I know,
I've made no headway, only scars to show.
With no end in sight I'll continue to journey on,
Bracing myself for what I can't prolong.

A Poem: Our Existence

2011-08-24T21:45:00.002-05:00

Solemn chaos, moonlit days, conquering heroes, rewinding mistaken ways.

Opposite contradictions, black meets blue, when good is no longer good, what do I do?

Peaceful violence, sane absurdity, drowning voices of reason, truth, "have you heard of me?"

Pen to computer, wrong becomes wright, hopeless for the hope, nothing positive in sight.

Reality in nightmares, deceit in disdain, hatred knows no bounds, kindness has no name.

Lies (w)rapped in lines, flowers for the impaired, instructed not to think, not to look up there.

Wake up, only to be living a-lie-victim of your own ignorance, desire not to die.

What is this really, an existence of bliss, oppressed and misguided, not living leaves it not to be missed.

What have I become?

2011-08-24T09:32:00.001-05:00

I hail from the wonderful country of Texas. I was raised in a Christian home and attended church throughout my early childhood. Through the example set by my father and mother, I learned of Christ and His importance in my life. At the age of five my father helped me come to an eternal relationship with my Father, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Around the age of nine I came to realize the importance of my relationship with my Heavenly Father when my earthly father left my mom and me. In short, my father wanted nothing to do with us and any responsibilities he had, so he left to reside in a world of his own creation.

This departure from the norm of an ideal American family life brought about an understanding that people will always fail me, but the One who sits upon the Throne in Heaven will never let me down. Amidst the darkness and depths of that time my Father reached down and pulled me up from despair. Those moments became an immediate integral part of my testimony and have shaped me into the man I am today.

Since then every major male figure in my life has continued to fail or abandon my family and me. Though I’m not sure why or how this fits into the Lord’s Will, I know it’s for a reason.

This is who I am, and because of these poor examples set forth before me I am learning what kind of man I mustn’t become. Up until this point in my life nothing else matters, save for my salvation through Jesus Christ and my relationship with His Father, with my Father.

A Poem: Person

2011-08-23T19:45:00.001-05:00

People never change, circumstances and situations do, spend years with someone, then wake up thinking what are you? History repeats itself, it's the cold truth, finding a troubled person in the present, means you lost a troubled youth.

The past shapes us, molds our underlying frame, if we don't take hold of the construction, only ourselves to blame. When the rust is more than surface level, no small feat will be its undoing, an overhaul is required, a new chassis worth pursuing.

We are fragile beings, and must be treated as such, we can't neglect the problems at hand, or act like we don't give a you know what. So deal with problems, man up to your faults, every choice has an effect, and doing nothing brings about loss.

A Poem: Unknown Pathway

2011-08-23T19:44:00.000-05:00

Memories of my past flow through my veins, the music of those moments permeates my brain, the visions like nightmares drive me insane...
No sanity except for what I make, life comes quickly what path will I take, my present, my future, uncertain yet at stake...
Uncertainty certainly haunts me, the fear of the unknown what can it be, blindfolded throughout life never knowing what next I'll see...
Days unfolding like the pages of a new book, not knowing the outcome forces a troubled look, yes here, no where, what a chance I took...
G'nite goodbye don't shed a tear, the path shall be walked regardless of fear, the end always come quickly but for me don't shed a tear...

Debating

2011-05-15T20:25:00.001-05:00

I'm debating whether or not to post a poem I wrote last night.

Well..

2011-05-06T18:49:00.000-05:00

Just posted a ton of new poems I've had, nice to get them up on my blog!

A Poem: Endings

2011-05-06T18:45:00.002-05:00

Little life left, nothing flowing through my veins,
running on empty, I'm going insane.
Driving lightless, the moonlight guides me,
my path distinct, yet hard to see.
Shady figures surround, how much further will I go,
little drive within, at times I don't know.
My shadow following close, like my past always near,
a reminder of where I've been, how my future is unclear.
I'm running in circles, I've been here before,
trodden down this same path, walked through this same door.
My sanity in question, my resolve is too,
unsure as I am, I know what to do.

One step at a time, is all I can take,
this life will pass me by, what of it shall I make?

A Poem: Her

2011-05-06T18:40:00.006-05:00

Quite the day indeed, confusing answers, just give me simplicity.
I don't understand her words, she's got me spinning, so absurd.
Foreign languages so true, heard the lyrics, didn't know they were about you.
Confusion is my state of being, lost and clueless, dunno what I'm seeing.
Simple rhymes to get my point across, one minute I know where I am, the next I'm lost.
Don't read too much into this, remember my dear, they say ignorance is bliss.

A Poem: Me

2011-05-06T18:32:00.002-05:00

The complexities of this life I call my own, no one but myself knows its entirety, whether here or home. A fourth here, a half there, I've lost the remaining parts, it's hard to tell anyone the whole story when I don't know where it starts. Have you ever walked through a maze, unable to find your way out, lost and confused, struggling with doubts? Frustration builds as you realize your situation, slowly losing all hope to deal with what you're facing. There's no small shortage of people offering advice along the way, but it becomes pretty obvious they're as lost as you at the end of the day. So what options do I have, where for answers should I seek? To whom should I turn to, or halfway should I meet? Ultimately the truth takes hold and becomes clear to me, the One who I should confide in is whom when I look up I see.

A Poem: Where Am I?

2011-05-06T18:32:00.001-05:00

Disillusioned, misguided, confounded, deceiving myself into thinking I've found it. Together is far from where I'm at and going to be, searching for solutions, problematic cuz I'm looking for them within me. The reality of the situation at hand: the "man" in the mirror isn't always who I am, or who I want to become, I've been on this road for so long, yet at times I swear I've just begun.

A Poem: Directions

2011-05-06T18:30:00.000-05:00

Same patterns,
same routines,
same situations,
same worn out pair of jeans.

wake up to the same sunrise, it's all blasé, always telling you what to do, this is what they say:
"blah blah blah, go about life like this, turn your eyes while I destroy your freedom, ignorance is bliss."

they slowly put up walls, one brick at a time, before you know it you're trapped inside a life you'd swear,
"this isn't mine"

what a gradual process, how your life has been taken hold,
subtlety is their greatest weapon, they wouldn't dare be so bold.
the person you once were, seems like a forgone conclusion,
the life you had in mind, simply one great delusion.

be mindful of your choices and decisions you make, the positions you put yourself in and the risks you take.

A Poem: Thoughts

2011-05-06T18:28:00.000-05:00

As each day passes, my situation gets more interesting:
Choices, patience, Carpe Diem, are these truths self-evident, will I see them?
Who is qualified to give me advice, to whom should I seek for guidance in my life?
Likes, loves, friendships and cares, relationships both lost & found, my vices my snares.
Poetry intrigues me, license to speak, my future my past, every bit of it bleak.
Hope for a new day, a brighter beginning, clear skies blue eyes and perfection unending.
The mysterious monotony maintains its threshold, must I walk on air, must I be so bold?
Rhetorically speaking why yes indeed, listen as the wind blows, for it speaks to me.

A Poem: Whose Am I?

2011-05-06T18:27:00.001-05:00

I once was a lost failure finding my way, here I am now found yet still failing today. Will I ever get back up with this negativity around, the mistakes of my past, my present won't let me get off the ground. A fight long ago started that I'm unable to finish, the sin nature within me, why can't I diminish. An uphill battle for the rest of my life, this fight I can't win filled with so much strife. Alas, I have a King, in whose court I do stand, who sent His Son to die for me on that cross as a Man. The war was won on that day, the ultimate sacrifice paid, in the tomb 2 days He remained, yet on the third He was Raised! I can now accept my imperfection, I need not get down, my identity is not in my failures, but in my King and His crown!

we truly are

2010-10-06T16:50:00.001-05:00

the youth of the nation

Heron Blue by Sun Kil Moon

2010-10-06T00:35:00.001-05:00

"Don't cry my love don't cry no more
A crashing sky a rolling screen
A city drowning Gods black tears
I cannot bear to see

She lay under the midnight moon
Her restless body stiring
Until the magic morning hour
Like poison it succumbs her

Her baby skin her old black dress
Her hair it twists round her necklace
Constricts and chokes like ruthless vines
To sleep she overtakes her?

Her room is painted Heron Blue
Lit by candlelight and chandelier
And from her headboard perched so high
A million dreams have passed her

Don't cry my love don't cry no more
It overwhelms my breaking heart
A minor swell of violins
I cannot bear to hear them

A mother shepherds her young birds
she fills their mouths and warms their souls
Til they are strong and good to fly
Away from her alone she'll die

Cradle on quiet old oak limbs
As heaven blue her light fails
A breath of soot into her lungs
A life, a journeys end in one

Don't sing that old sad hymn no more
It resonates inside my soul
It haunts me in my waking dream
I cannot bear to hear it

Don't play those violins no more
Their melancholic overtones
They echo off the floor and walls
I cannot bear to hear them"

what a beautiful song

The Lord..

2010-10-03T17:54:00.001-05:00

has a way of so completely catching me off guard, all I can do is smile. This past week was one of many changes, all good. Finding my blogsite again, wonderful. That's all I have to say for now.

also

2009-11-06T02:50:00.000-06:00

I have a new poem coming soon, very soon.

g'nite ladies & gents

I have a question (or a few)

2009-11-06T02:41:00.002-06:00

may I break something please,

may I drive for a 1000 miles without stopping,

may I scream at the top of my lungs,

maybe beat my head against a locker a couple of times,

may I sigh in frustration,

may I have time alone to clear my head,

may I lift weights all day long,

maybe pull my hair out instead,

may I throw fluorescent bulbs in the air just to watch them fall and break,

may I push over a stack of books in a library to watch them domino,

may I throw buckets of paint all over my walls,

maybe I'll drop a tv or two off my roof just to watch them shatter,

may you kindly explain to me what the heck you're thinking,

may you kindly enlighten me as to what you're doing,

may you kindly share with me your motives,

maybe I'll never know, maybe I'm never supposed to know,

may the silence and closing of my lips be an allegory of sorts to the sealing and searing of my heart.

The Star Spangled Banner like you've never heard it!

2009-10-09T03:06:00.002-05:00

This gave me chills, click on this link.

I've never heard The Star Spangled Banner sung so wonderfully, especially by someone(s) so young.

Truly amazing. The Lord has blessed them.

quotes

2009-09-17T08:00:00.009-05:00

"i am because He is"-stephenthomas

"respect is earned, unless you're female, then it's required"-stephenthomas

"it's not about turning heads, it's about turning hearts..the woman whose heart I turn is the woman I want to marry"-stephenthomas

"I like somebody? Really? I'll turn on the lights so you can see more clearly. I'm dating somebody so you say? Let me pull back the curtain and expose the light of day. So quickly do you judge w/o knowing me, making assumptions off of ...what you see. The gal for me I have not met, so patiently I wait on the Lord as He hasn't revealed her yet."-stephenthomas

"enough said"-stephenthomas

"i refuse to sing the words if my heart doesn't mean them"-stephenthomas

"if you bring up a topic jokingly in your conversation, eventually it'll get there seriously"-stephenthomas

"boo hoo boo hoo"-stephenthomas

"I'm not singing the words if they're not in my heart"-stephenthomas

"I don't love you because of what you do, or don't do..I just love you."

"Who you choose to be around, let's you know who you are."

"Romans 1:16: I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile."

"Grieving has to be taken a moment at a time. Eventually, there are more good moments than unbearable ones in a day, and then you know you've turned the corner into a new road."

"what's beyond that sea I wonder..the children leave their homes in search of this quest..as they search they are always asking questions..'what's out there?'..'what's waiting for me?'..leaving their innocence behind they set out on this journey and experience many life changing adventures, countless difficulties lie in wait, moments of despair, the lure of the razor's edge..there's always hope, joy, meeting new friends..they face challenges, but in the process they come to find themselves..this is a journey..when they have conquered a new land, yet another sea is reflected in their eyes..what's beyond that sea..when boys become young men..they begin their own quest..life is an endless journey."

"Everyone is a coward about something."

"Oh, Death was never enemy of ours! We laughed, knowing that better men would come, and greater wars: when each proud fighter brags He wars on Death, for lives: not men, for flags."

"Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability to lift an eye to heaven, conscious of his fleeting time here."

"Anyone who isn't ready to fight for their country doesn't deserve a dang thing from it."

"My life, your entertainment. You watch it while I live it. I walk they follow, I talk they holla. Just here for your amusement. My life, your entertainment. You watch it while I live it. You waitin' for me to lose it, I guess I'm just here for your amusement."

"I don't wanna make the same mistakes I did, I don't wanna fall back on my face again."

"They say you can rap about anything except for Jesus. That means guns, sex, lies, video tapes, but if I talk about God my record won't get played..."

"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians..who acknowledge with their lips, and walk out the door and deny it by their lifestyle...that is what an unbelieving world simply finds, unbelievable."

"You see, I have no opinion I don't, I could, but I won't, I'm tired of arguing. I have no opinion, nor do I need to win, see I'm tired, I'm tired of arguing. So don't begin with what cannot end because I'm tired, I'm tired of arguing. I have no opinion, actually I do, I just don't want to dispute with you."

"No man can say truthfully that he ever saw one more beautiful."

"I have a rendezvous with death..at some disputed barricade. It may be you should take my hand, and lead me into his dark land, and close my eyes, and quench my breath. I have a rendezvous with death..and I to my pledged word am true. I shall not fail that rendezvous."

"This, I realized now watching Dienekes rally and tend to his men, was the role of the officer: to prevent those under his command, at all stages of battle -- before, during, and after -- from becoming "possessed." To fire their valor when it flagged and rein in their fury when it threatened to take them out of hand. That was Dienekes' job. That was why he wore the transverse-crested helmet of an officer.

His was not, I oculd see now, the heroism of an Achilles. He was not a superman who waded invulnerably into the slaughter, single-handedly slaying his foe by myriads. He was just a man doing a job. A job whose primary attribute was self-restraint and self-composure, not for his own sake, but for those he led by his example. A job whose objective could be boiled down to the single understatement, as he did at the Hot Gates on the morning he died, of 'performing the commonplace under uncommonplace conditions.' "
-about the Spartans at Thermopylae

"Not for fame or reward, Not for place or for rank, Not lured by ambition or goaded by necessity, But in simple obedience to duty as they understood it, These men suffered all, Sacrificed all, Dared all, and Died."

"The unexamined life is not worth living."

"You have bewitched me body and soul."

"You're either in trouble, Just got out of trouble, Or you'll get the phone call tomorrow."

frustrated...contemplative...yea...

2009-09-16T19:59:00.002-05:00

I don't know what to do.

So many thoughts going through my head, I can't hardly think straight.

Almost as if someone is using my brain in tug of war...being pulled in so many different directions.

Physically I believe I'm where the Lord wants me, but mentally...emotionally...nuh uh, not close.

I have doubts, worries, concerns, fears. They are oh so heavy on me now.

I know we're supposed to cast "your cares upon the Lord"...easier said than done my friend.

I have my good and bad days.

I still receive visits from memories and ghosts past, that I could do without.

In the same breath, I long to be home..I long for those from home.

Unmotivated...apathetic, very applicable words right now.

So many situations, I don't know what's going on, I'm not sure what to do, not positive I'm doing enough or even doing the right "thing".

This makes sense, but it doesn't. Read into this little bit of writing as you will. Interpret, decipher, decode, read between the lines...do whatever you must.

Bye.

I believe in you and me

2009-09-09T01:11:00.000-05:00

by Whitney Houston...I love this song

just a poem for the mood I guess

2009-09-09T01:10:00.000-05:00

here I sit, wallowing in my own frustration,
sick and tired of the same old crap I'm facing.

Not knowing where to turn, nor where to go.
Seeking guidance, wishing the way someone would show.

But it's not up to others, it's gotta be up to me,
but no matter how obvious, blind to the path I'm choosing to be.

Which way is up, and which is down,
I'm floating, falling, not planted firmly on solid ground.

I just want to scream, get it all out,
My frustrations, angers, sadness, doubt.

I feel like such a screw up, face in my hands here I sit,
To be honest, there have been times...life, I wanted to be done with it.

My cries and tears are but ever so subtle,
If you're not paying attention you won't see the ripples in the puddle.

Not the best line I know, but my point the words make,
Every little decision made, effects the path I will take.

So here I sit, in the midst of many words,
Putting them together carefully, as to not sound absurd.

a poem: Not Understanding

2009-08-29T02:01:00.001-05:00

I don't understand women, I don't know that I ever will,
To catch a glimpse inside their thoughts, I would kill.

It seems whatever they're after, I've never had,
I see myself in the mirror and think "surely I'm not that bad?"

I try and be respectful, with a yes and no ma'am,
From what I've understood that is God's design and plan.

So it seems being cocky and arrogant is top of the list,
They'd rather be crapped on, their value as a woman dismissed.

The frustrations of my apparent inadequacies kill me softly inside,
How bad all of this hurts often I hide.

I can't bring myself to disrespect women like so many do,
Why is hell something women allow themselves to go through?

Why are they so attracted to exactly what I'm not?
When is this a trend that I'll see stop?

So here I am in college, and here I go again,
It's an uphill battle I'm fighting that I'm destined to never win.

I don't know what to say

2009-08-28T00:48:00.001-05:00

I know it's only been a couple of weeks, but apparently whatever "it" is, I don't have it and never have. And the one time I thought I had "it"...horrible ending.

G'nite.

I love this song

2009-08-27T01:06:00.002-05:00

I Believe In You and Me by Whitney Houston:

I Believe In You and Me
I Believe That we will be
In love eternally
Well as far as I can see
You Will Always be the one
For me (Oh yes, you will)

And I believe in dreams again
I believe that love will never end
And like the river finds the sea
I was lost, now I'm free
Cuz I believe In you and me

I will never leave your side
I will never hurt your pride
When all the chips are down, baby
Then I will always be around
Just to be right where you are
My love, you know I love you, boy

I will never leave you out
I will always let you in, boy (mmm, oh baby)
To places no-one's ever been,
Deep inside, can't you see?
That I believe in you and me

Maybe I'm a fool
To feel the way I do
I will play the fool forever
Just to be with you forever

I believe in miracles
And love is the miracle
And yes, baby you're my dream come true
I was lost, now I'm free,
Oh, baby cuz i believe, i do believe, in you and me
See, I was lost, now I'm free
Cuz I believe in you and me.

The Preacher's Wife is such a wonderful movie.

Difficult Times

2009-08-27T01:00:00.001-05:00

Just been an interesting couple of weeks

So true..is this quote

2009-08-09T12:49:00.000-05:00

"Everyone is a coward about something"

-The Hurt Locker

No regrets

2009-08-08T12:50:00.000-05:00

It's hard looking back and now able to see,
Wishing to God sometimes that I could do it all again,
Struggling can start to take it's toll,
19 years old trying to change what you can't control,
And it's not your fault but tell me what can you do,
When things fall apart and everybody's looking at you,
With two fingers pointed screaming get it together,
But who's in the mix to show me any better?
So whatever I'm running on my own solo,
Trying to make things happen off the little bit I know,
And I guess I'll get what I get but yet,
I don't want to live my life full of regret.

The earth rotates and my world keeps spinning,
Feeling like I never started but it's all ending,
And I stand here lonely a million familiar faces,
But yet no one truly knows me.
So I'll try to move on and I'll try to know how,
But the truth is I'm really just running from the now.
I can't handle it I feel like the future's all I got,
Don't want to deal with my past,
I choose memory block to stop how I feel.
Don't want to be real with it, run from reality in attempts to deal with it,
But it's not working and I'm still hurting,
Nah it's not working and I'm still searching.

No regrets, no regrets, but it's hard.
No regrets, no regrets I say.
No regrets, no regrets, I stay in Him in Him.

I'm trying to live right and pass on what I believe,
But it's hard to give when you can't receive.
Yet I'm learning slowly and surely,
And I'm secure enough to admit my insecurity.
See I know something in me has got to change,
God of creation I hear you calling my name.
Offering peace and joy and freedom from shame,
Offering nothing to lose but a life to gain.

(No Regrets by John Reuben)

This song is wonderful.

Lay it all out

2009-08-04T22:35:00.003-05:00

This summer has been an interesting one for sure. As is always the case, the truth has been made known about certain situations...these realizations have been bittersweet.

Work has been quite enjoyable, granted early and boring at times, yet such a blessing.

I was provided the opportunity to be around my best friend's lovely lady. Spending time with the two of them are memories I will cherish and reminisce about while I'm at college.

Yet, as some friendships have flourished, others have been at times nearly brought to a breaking point.

Fed up with certain relationships, with not just coming out and laying it all out there, I've become over this summer. A moment is nearly here, where everything that needs to be, will be said.

Several key incidences happened leading up to my summer have affected these past three months. Pain, confusion, frustration, sadness, determination, and resolve have all been results.

I've spent periods of solitude, times of fellowship, had my share of peaks and valleys.

Sick and tired of certain aspects of my home life is what I've become. Have a desire to say what I need to and just leave...that's what I'd like to do, but for now I'll remain silent and bide my time.

I've not done everything I imagined I would do this summer, but alas no regrets. Living in the past does not get me anywhere.

A time of new beginnings, new places, new faces, new relationships, new surroundings, circumstances, situations...is not only coming, it's already here.

Goodbye.

Second Chance

2009-08-03T14:50:00.002-05:00

Watch THIS. It is a cover of the song Second Chance by Shinedown...and a cover done very well if I do say so myself. Check out his band's MYSPACE

Below is the chorus from Second Chance

Tell my mother, tell my father,
To make them realize,
This is my life,
I hope they understand,
I'm not angry, I'm just saying,
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance...

How can I give a title to what I can't explain?

2009-07-30T02:46:00.003-05:00

To say there's been a realization of what's been going on, of what's happen...not sure how true that really is.

I'm not so all figured out as one may think.

I can make the point that even I don't understand it all, that I don't have a good hold on the circumstances of my life.

Less and less..do I feel able to communicate to others what I'm going through, what I'm feeling. Less and less am I comfortable sharing what's going on.

To some extent I sense this shutting door looming overhead...one through which the light is slowly fading..as the door ever so slightly closes the gap.

I hardly feel in tune with these people that I was once so close to.

Maybe all of "this"..paradigm shift of sorts..is merely apart of the new stage of life I'm entering.

I can't emphasize this enough, I'm ready to be gone.

I don't need criticism, I don't need advice, I don't need sympathy, I don't need frustration, I don't need misinterpretation, I don't need to be judged, I don't need convincing, I don't need asking, I don't need him or her, I don't know what I need.

Everyone always points me back to "God". Like I don't know who He is, like I don't know He is real. The problem I have is that this whole "God" thing that people tell me is the same thing over and over again..repetitive, predictable. Did I not experience losing my earthly father 10 years ago? Was it not then that I realized who my only Father is? Did some people forget what happened? Do some people not realize what's gone on since then?

I don't claim to have the perfect relationship with my Father, I do not deny that I need Him, I'm not saying wisdom should not be heard. If I need advice in that area I'll ask.

I'm fed up with what's around me and with what's in me.

I'm tired, g'nite.

I'm done

2009-07-28T17:08:00.003-05:00

I'm done with this place.

I'm sick of it.

The sights, the sounds, smells, the whole environment.

The people, the drama, the crap, all of it.

I'm done.

I'm ready to leave, ready to get out of here.

Only a little bit longer.

Bye.

I was going to post something...

2009-07-27T17:50:00.002-05:00

only to think better of it before I penned the words.

Simply put, in the words of John Reuben...

I have no opinion I don't.
I would but I won't.
I'm tired of arguing.
So don't begin with what cannot end.
Because I'm tired.

I must say, I love that song, & I love that artist.

He is does an amazing job with his lyrics.

Making Sense of "It" All

2009-07-25T01:27:00.002-05:00

is that really a possibility?

that's a question for the ages,

one that haunts me.

Not understanding,

Not knowing,

all due in part because my relationship with Him is not growing.

So much has happened recently,

I cannot seem to make sense of it all,

but it's not for me to understand right now.

Everything does not have to rhyme in my poems,

I've figured that much,

but I'm done for now as the poetic-ness life from within me has been removed for the time being.

Buhhhh I just don't know much of what's going on right now...or what path I'm to take.

So as a good friend told me, just be still, so I shall.

As much as I want to know the reasons behind the many situations and circumstances in my life and the lives of those I care about, I'll have patience.

& as for certain other "things" on my mind...well I can't exactly discuss them as of yet..as hard as that may be, I must also exercise patience with them.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

a poem perhaps

2009-07-17T23:41:00.002-05:00

Ignorance is bliss

Ha, it's that which I miss,

That I often remiss,

Of those days of blissful innocence.

Okay not my best piece of work, but hey just thought I should jot it down while it was on my mind.

On another note, I am not always the most cheerful person. In fact, I can be very melancholy. I have a very serious side, one that views the world in black and white as opposed to Technicolor. Call it up or down, call it subtract smile add frown, either way you look at the matter, it's who I am..or at least at times tend to be.

I ready to be back at college away from all of this, to be quite honest.

That's all for now.

My inadequacies are

2009-07-17T13:00:00.000-05:00

so very evident to me.

(I could turn this into a poem...maybe I shall but not right now)

I cannot explain

2009-07-16T13:00:00.003-05:00

the condition of my heart.

I won't even begin to try.

*closes eyes*

At times I tire of this world.

So it seems

2009-07-15T13:00:00.000-05:00

The hours, days, weeks, months, etc. continue to grow in difficulty.

I had an epiphany today, here's how it went:

My dad has been gone since the age of 10, and due to that fact, I have missed out on so much of what wisdom a dad passes on to his son.

How to work on cars (and for that matter drive them), how to throw a football, dating advice, a godly example of a man/father/husband, the list goes on and on.

Over the course of my job this summer, I've learned so many of those different aspects of being a young man and growing up...well I don't really know how to explain how I feel about that fact.

Still...two months time does not make up for ten years lost.

*sighs*

When life deals you a "7-2 off suit" (click here for explanation) you can either play it out to the best of your ability, or just fold.

Save Sorrow For The Souls In Doubt

2009-07-14T22:00:00.000-05:00

Carry Me Down by Demon Hunter:

And if you see me losing ground
Don't be afraid to lie
I know the pain inside my heart
Can't break the fear inside of yours
And if you see me losing faith in what it means to die
Don't let me leave before I know what lies beyond the stained-glass doors

Save sorrow for the souls in doubt
Bleed every care out

Will you carry me down the aisle that final day,
With your tears and cold hands shaking from the weight?
When you lower me down beneath that sky of grey,
Let the rain fall down and wash away your pain.

For every word we never spoke,
We have a tear to cry
For every silence like a wall between a better you and I.
So if you see me losing sight of all the death in life
You find the peace in every time I failed to see the death in mine

Let all the fear inside you drown
Tear out the blade and lay it down
Save sorrow for the souls in doubt
Bleed every care out

Oh, the blood is rushing out
Oh, I'm better off without
Oh, the walls are closing in
Oh, sing for me again

Rarely

2009-07-10T23:31:00.001-05:00

it seems I'm happy anymore.

What must happen?

2009-07-09T14:27:00.002-05:00

For this continual haunting to stop?

Must I not sleep? Is that to be part of the solution?

Well that's not gonna happen.

I'm moving on and have been, but this haunting has to stop.

I wish I knew the answer.

I don't say this statement lightly:

2009-07-05T23:26:00.004-05:00

I know what it's like to be haunted...

To be haunted by a person...

In my dreams, my thoughts...

Sights, sounds, smells...

I do.

Who you (am I) gonna call?

Ghostbusters

In all seriousness, my mood is quite...serious, quite...heavy.

That's all I have to say for now.

Alright...here I go..

2009-07-05T01:05:00.002-05:00

I'm putting together what is on my mind.

It's not at the pace that most everyone would like, but I'm getting there.

I'm formulating what all I need and want to say.

I'm deciding where to go from here.

I'm not asking for you to wait forever.

I'm not pleading for more time.

It is coming soon.

But..if you cannot wait any longer, if you've had enough..

*sighs*

I don't guess I'll really know what to say..or how to reply.

*sighs*

Hindsight

2009-06-29T21:21:00.001-05:00

looking back..on the events of this past year...

well let's just say those events have been quite interesting.

who knows what is to come...time will tell.

but whatever the outcome is, I'm moving on, pressing forward.

Simply

2009-06-25T18:37:00.003-05:00

I might not being doing things the "right" way, but this is the path I'm on.

I know it frustrates people, including you, including myself.

The marines..is not out of a desire to prove anything to anyone..if anything it'd be to myself.

That choice is not necessarily one that I can just explain, it more or less just is the choice I'm making.

This has not been the easiest time for me, in fact really since last year for that matter. I haven't been depressed the whole time (I know that's not what has been said), and I've had my fair share of ups and downs..I'll be the first to admit that.

I'm not one to pity party, you know I don't like them either. As I've said before "this isn't a pity party or a boo hoo", I'm working through this..ok? Please understand me.

Now as to what exactly "this" is..well I'm continually figuring this situation out.

I'm sure I'm trying your patience, your willingness, your support, trying you. I'm not sure I know what to tell you..I don't have a ton of answers right now, but like I've said it's not about

Continuing on

2009-06-24T20:39:00.002-05:00

This is internal.

I'm doing my best to work through..everything.

*sighs*

This makes no sense I'm sure.

I don't know what to say right now, I'm extremely distracted.

*sigh*

Situations are not always

2009-06-24T14:15:00.002-05:00

as they seem to be.

It's evident you care.

I don't believe you to be a poor friend.

I'm in no position to hold myself higher than anyone.

As many times as I've been failed, so I have failed you.

This isn't a battle nor a war between the two of us.

The issue is internal, from day one that has been it.

I have to leave for work..and when I get back I'll finish my thought.

at times

2009-06-22T23:57:00.001-05:00

i don't know who to turn to,

who to talk to.

i don't.

Solitude

2009-06-21T23:15:00.002-05:00

is all I want at times.

to be alone, completely alone.

I just have these moments of wanting to disappear, to escape.

be it a desire to drive..drive..drive or fly..fly..fly..just let me leave.

freedom..freedom from the four invisible walls around me.

I can't see the transparent barriers, but I can feel them..and it seems at times the walls are closing in.

my wish to just vanish..after contemplating the thought..seems to me like I'm running..

it's as if I have this wish to leave all that I know because I want to be through with this part of my life, I want to get away completely..

perhaps subconsciously I'm already taking steps, preparing myself for this sudden change of pace, sudden removal from all that I know..and all that know me.

you could almost compare this coming to a storm that is brewing far away.

I know it's coming, I can feel it, sense it..and there is nothing I can do to stop it..stop this storm.

g'nite again.

I don't get "it"

2009-06-21T21:56:00.003-05:00

I frustrate myself because of choices that I make.

I know ahead of time what the result will be, but still I go down that path.

The consequence?

A feeling inside I cannot explain..I don't want to explain..and one I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

When my heartstrings come undone..will you wait for me?

When my heartstrings come undone..will you pray for me?

When my heartstrings come undone..will I wait for you?

When my heartstrings come undone..will I pray for you?

Let me tell you this, my heartstrings have been stretched too thin for too long..and they are coming undone..they are undone.

At one time, those heartstrings played a wonderful melody..not anymore.

The melody they play..is inaudible, unimaginable, unexplainable..you won't understand, so don't try too.

Living..even breathing is at times such a difficult task..I don't understand.

I have nothing left to say for now.

g'nite

great quote

2009-06-20T23:09:00.001-05:00

"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… that’s what gets you"

I realized again yesterday...

2009-06-20T14:00:00.000-05:00

from two phone conversations,
that quite simply,
at times,
I,
talk,
to,
much.

that's all,
cuz quite simply,
I,
need,
to,
listen,
better.

Standing Here...

2009-06-19T00:28:00.004-05:00

in the midst of this place I call home...
I'm fighting to get through life, wanting to make it on my own.

so much going on around, so much to see...
so little I know about the world surrounding me.

life comes at me so fast, can I handle the situation?
when pushed to my limit, can I deal with what I'm facing?

please allow me a poetic license, to mix and match my words...
but in knowning that don't count them to be so absurd.

for what I write, is more often what I mean...
I don't always wear my heart on my sleeve, I'm not always what I seem.

a mystery at times is exactly what I portray...
not always going to be figured out, let my story develop like an intriguing play.

cheesy rhymes indeed but at times hidden in meaning...
if you're focusing on that fact then yourself are you deceiving.

I can stand up strong, put on a happy face...
put up a pretence of emotions, and in doing so myself I disgrace.

I won't deny I'm strong, I won't deny my share of pains...
from experience I know good and well those ups and downs are my gain.

how can I adequately express what is on my mind...
my inmost thoughts even, when I don't understand nor welcome them half the time?

what kind of person am I really, a journey is what I'm on...
each step, every decision, mistakes, sucesses, loves gained and lost, all lines in my lifesong.

I don't know how my song will turn out, but to whose standards am I meeting...
I won't fall victim to placing my standards with men, not when they're so fleeting.

doing things right hasn't always been my calling card...
it's a recurring theme for me to make situations quite hard.

running out of reason, exhausting my dictionary of rhymes...
sitting at my keyboard, hands raised as if I've commited crimes.

arms in the air, the classic gesture of "I don't know"...
just taking life a step at a time, learning more as I go.

is all of this just an ends to a mean, or is it a means to an end...?
so confusing can all of this be, so many questions, so few answers, where do I begin?

I love writing, and though this may make no sense it simply doesn't have too...
so from my mind and my hand to this keyboard, I write this for you.

life seems to be so figured out, but reality check I'm so lost...
do I have what it takes to make the ultimate sacrifice, to pay that cost?

living in the now, I see the effects it'll have and wonder if I'm willing...
everyday I hesitate, every moment lost is more time I'm killing.

is it really so hard to say a three letter word...yes...the answer is yes...
humanly speaking I'm giving up my life, what I want, so the reason why you can guess.

so quickly can the mood of my poems change...
my thought process, more like my train of thought...the tracks are rearranged.

I don't feel like I'm all that I'm cracked up to be...
that I'm far from it, far from what is actually seen.

I don't live some secret life...filled with sex and addictions...
but even if I'm not doing the drugs or sleeping around, I'm still running in the same direction.

any action or habit I cannot get ahold of, everytime I lust...
it's all the same to Him and getting rid of it is a must.

I'm so caught up in my own ways, so blinded by familiar scenery...
no matter how bad I want to get out of the rough, I'll never make it to the greenery.

I'm stagnant and stuck in my ways...
I'm not growing or going anywhere , the same story I tell day after day.

I'm done writing for now, I need rest and peace...
step away is what I'll do till my mind is at ease.

g'nite.

Well..yet again..my heartstrings play an interesting melody

2009-06-17T01:28:00.002-05:00

I'm here,
happy existence,
or miserable at best...
you choose, which one will it be.

merely a mirror,
one reflecting only what I want to see,
one way in nature if you will.

each side tells a different story,
side "a" is what is desirable..what everybody sees,
"b" is who I am,
who I've been all along.

figuring out these two views,
realizing there are two sides to the equation,
deciding who I am, who I will be,
finding my place and purpose isn't always so easy.

most everyone knows me,
who and what I am, what I'm about,
but still..I, just like the people I share this planet with,
often choose to act upon certain desires and thoughts,
that are so out of character, it's hard to explain.

but maybe these actions are not so out of character,
what if they are innate, have been here all along,
if this whole time..we haven't really known ourselves,
we've only assumed, it's only been guesswork.

rambling on and on, who really reads, who listens, who cares,
I could say tomorrow I'm gonna do something no would expect or see coming,
and truthfully I could be crying out for help,
but truthfully I could make the claim that it would go unnoticed,
fair enough.

due to the complexities inside of me, that are unseen, just as my actions are unforeseeable,
I've come to a conclusion: I don't always like who I am, who I've become,
I'm not necessarily too fond of what I see around me,
I'm not this, not that, blah blah blah it's just fact,

having been through plenty, this past year plus included,
I've seen a side of life I never thought my 20/20 correctable eyes would ever see,
ha, if only I would've known then, what I do now..hindsight is truly 20/20.

in a poetic way of my own crafting, I woven a story in these lines,
not exactly meant to be understood,
but at the same time, perfectly understandable..explain that.

consistently my mind is occupied by a multitude of thoughts,
managing this monstrosity of..just everything..does a lot,
weighted, burdened, hurt, saddened, ...ed, ...ed, ..et cetera
my sob story continues.

will this monotonous monotone called life, called living..(is this what 'living' truly is?),
ever cease to be just that, cease to be the simple existence,
when will it be more, more than:
wake up..pointless actions inbetween..go to bed..repeat till death.....................

we all strive for more, we all want more,
some search for "more" harder than others.

for some it's drugs, religion, sex, (fill in blank),
we all have our more...or more or less our "filler" for our more,
our "settling for (fill in blank) because we can't find 'more' ",
our "not willing to give up (fill in blank) for 'more' ".

trying to make sense of "it" all, we often find "meaning" and "purpose" in the wrong areas,
we fail to realize we don't know what "meaning" and "purpose" are,
because we don't know who we are,
and we're only willing to go but so far to discover what we want most:
"purpose" and "meaning"

until giving it all..whatever it may be (as it varies for each individual person) becomes an option,
"meaning" and "purpose" will continue to elude us, elude you, me, whoever.

who am I? who is the young man whose fingers type these very words before me?
one minute I think I know, the next day I don't have a clue,
deep down the answer to this question..I know..to a certain extent.

I have nothing more to say for now, g'nite.

Tell me...

2009-06-13T22:44:00.002-05:00

who is out there?
who really cares?
if pushed to tell the truth, would you dare?

where has everybody gone?
have they all disappeared?
so many questions, so few answers,
who is that man standing in the mirror?

frustrations, loneliness, confusion, and pain,
back and forth, back and forth I go,
with no one but me to blame.

can I make sense of all this?
is the meaning so hidden?
or is it to be withheld from me?
my knowledge of it forbidden?

one riddle after another,
where am I to go?
the answer isn't exactly clear,
the path I don't know.

who is here to help me?
who is just a hindrance?
who cares about the relationship?
whose motto says "it's only about what I get"?

to step away at times is the best option,
to reevaluate, recuperate, and sort through all the crap,
look everything over and figure what to do next.

a brake is much needed,
a nap of sorts if you will,
I need this getaway, I need this distance,
like a druggie needs his pills (lol)

I don't know when I'll be back,
must I set a time frame?
cuz I don't have one nor plan on picking a day,
at this point right now I'm merely finding my way.

that's all.

Well

2009-06-12T23:17:00.002-05:00

I reactivated my facebook account tonight for a total of about 25 minutes to update my url.

While I was on there, I looked a couple of my friends and noticed a fact that didn't surprise me one bit, people don't change really.

I'm not saying that's a bad, not saying it's good, I'm just saying.

On another note, I am 99% sure I'm going to join the Marines through their Officer Program

Here is the site

I'll update more on this topic as I know more.

I'll blog more soon, just have been very busy and have had so much on my mind, just sorting through a lot and finding even more out about people that I have and have not necessarily known...if that makes any sense at all.

That's about it I guess.

a quote I heard I wish certain people would hear

2009-05-22T03:16:00.001-05:00

"who you choose to be around you, let's you know who you are"

so true so true

I need say no more

So late, So much on my mind

2009-05-22T03:09:00.003-05:00

The title says it all

thoughts of past relationship(s)

uncertainties about future one(s)

seeking patience, His patience

desiring His will

waiting on the woman He has for me

it's just honestly, I'll admit I'd like to know who He has for me, I can't help but be curious

yet even if I knew, I don't know and am not sure I'm ready to tie the knot now

it's pretty clear to me that's why I haven't met her yet

His timing, not mine

although I will say, even when I meet her, when I know she's the one, I'll still be waiting on His timing in regards to asking her to marry me and marrying her...and I'm perfectly content in knowing that

the main idea and thought on my mind right now is this: it's not about me turning her head, it's about me turning her heart...on a deeper level it's about hers and my heart being turned as one to the Lord

my goodness do I have so much on my mind....wow...*sighs*

I'm going to be bold and say...

2009-05-17T23:47:00.003-05:00

I've got something to say

For those of you that claim to be Christ followers, and even those that don't

Even if you don't like Hip Hop/Rap

That the artist Lecrae has the best and most powerful lyrics I've ever heard

No matter what song, the lyrics are straightforward and tell it like it is

No sugar coating, no watering down, just truth

Out of any artist claiming to be "Christian", his lyrics are the most powerful, most convicting, most in line with the Bible, most truthful, most Christ-like

By the content of his songs, you know where he stands, what he believes

The meaning is not hidden, he puts it out there for everyone to see and hear

Out of all the "Christian" artists out there, the fact of his salvation and whole hearted belief and faith in Jesus Christ as his personal Lord and Savior is most evident

Look him up and read his lyrics, I'm going to be posting some soon

His Myspace

I've said this before but I will say it again

2009-05-14T15:10:00.003-05:00

I'm not interested in turning heads,
The woman whose heart I turn is the woman that I want to marry.

That is all I need to say.

Lack of godly men

2009-05-14T13:20:00.002-05:00

In a world and culture lacking godly men, one where we complain about that fact, where we so desperately seek those godly men...we often forget the most godly man of them all:

Christ

Enough said.

I am

2009-05-14T00:14:00.001-05:00

not sure what I'm supposed to say, so I think it's best I just keep my mouth closed for now.

Disheartening

2009-05-13T01:56:00.002-05:00

*sighs*

I have to face a fact:

Most if not every single woman in my life (outside of my immediate family) that I have and do care about, don't care about me on the same level.

That is just the way it is for me.

How much I care for them, is not how much they care for me.

One word:

Disheartening

Makes me want to give up, makes me want to back off, to stop letting them know I care, to just be silent, make them wonder.

Maybe I've been going about this all the wrong way the entire time. In letting these few females know how much I care, it's been a turnoff...or it's been that I'm too available, too caring. Never thought I'd have to say that...never thought that would be the case.

BUT I don't have an explanation.

Look, I know I've never been the popular guy, never been the one the gals come to, to tell me what's going on, never been "buddy-buddy" with a gal/the gals.

There have been a handful I have really cared about...5 maybe 6...and honestly they've never felt the same. Some I've known my whole life, others half or less of my time here on earth.

Maybe a couple do or have...not exactly sure as it's not been shown...maybe some of what I'm writing is just my frustration coming out...so bare with me please.

The last tangent I'll get on is this:

I'm sick and tired of females saying that there are no good/decent/godly men out there...and especially when it's said right in front of my face.

I really love it when that happens (sarcasm).

What more must I do? Should I complain about the lack of godly women? Should I categorize women as a whole? No, not worth my time.

I must say the above situation that I described pretty well sums up the female relationships in my life. I'm overlooked no matter if I'm in front of their face right there in front of them...whatever the situation may be.

I have nothing more to say really, I probably won't bring this up again.

The way I loved you by Taylor Swift....hmmm

2009-05-12T13:00:00.000-05:00

I was listening to Taylor Swift songs the other day...and this one started playing...and I looked up the lyrics. They hit me...almost as if I was seeing something from another person's perspective, really made me think, made me wonder, but in a good kind of way. Honestly though, I don't know if I'll ever know the answers to the questions that came to my mind...

Here are the lyrics:

He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better
He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He respects my space
And never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
He's close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He's charming and endearing
And I'm comfortable

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

He can't see the smile I'm faking
And my heart's not breaking
Cause I'm not feeling anything at all
And you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating intoxicating
Complicated, got away by some mistake and now

I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
It's 2am and I'm cursing your name
I'm so in love that I acted insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breaking down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you oh, oh

And that's the way I loved you oh, oh
Never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

Anywhere but here by Chris Cagle

2009-05-11T14:00:00.002-05:00

this song has been on my mind a lot lately, been playing on my ipod/itunes lately, in fact it's on my playlist at the bottom, #7 to be exact. Here are the lyrics:

Man I hate you found me here, whiskey on my breath
I know I should be ashamed, so much for those twelve steps
He said "No my son, I know you're doing your best
With all you've been through, I understand
I only came to offer you a friend
You know she still asks about you
Wondering how you're doing and where you've been

Tell her I'm in Tampa on the causeway, watching the waves roll in
Tell her I'm in Aspen, in a cabin, finding myself again
Tell her that I'm happy and I've moved on
Better than I've ever been
Just don't tell her that you saw me drowning in this bottle
Trying to make her disappear
Tell her I'm anywhere, anywhere but here

It would only break her heart if she knew the truth
You see I told her when she left, this is the last thing I would do
Tomorrow, I swear I'm starting over again
I've made it so far and I know where this ends
But she doesn't have to find out where I am
So if you see her or hear from her again

Tell her I'm in Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Selling cars five days a week
Tell her I'm in Mobile Alabama
Getting back on my feet
Tell her that I'm happy and I've moved on
Looking better than you've ever seen
Just don't tell her that you saw me drowning in this bottle
Trying to make her disappear
Tell her I'm anywhere, anywhere but here

Tell her that I'm happy and I've moved on
And let her know that I still care
Tell her I'm anywhere, anywhere but here

An old poem that I wrote crying out

2009-05-11T13:00:00.005-05:00

No Title:

The girls that I care about don't really care at all,
They just brush me off their shoulder and that's a long way to fall.

At times when it seems mutual as in give and receive,
Reality hits me hard in the face when I realize it's deceit.

Relationships have been few and far in between,
The one that was serious, then denied was painful for me.

Do they not see my heart and my desire,
The lengths I'll go too, even though I tire?

Few notice or realize that I try,
Few take the time to see what's inside.

At times I'll ask myself if it's worth all this,
The "yes ma'am" "no ma'am", holding doors, and gifts.

It all gets me absolutely no where it seems,
It appears to be they like guys who are more obscene.

They walk around with their boobs hanging out,
All melted and poured, "look at me" they shout.

It turns me off to be frank,
Modesty is dying, that ship has sank.

Have you heard the old adage "less is more"?
When there's nothing left....TELL ME WHAT'S YOURS?

Obviously I didn't quite finish it...or maybe I did, I'd say the ending is pretty darn powerful.

'nuff said.

another old poem

2009-05-10T14:00:00.002-05:00

BE TRUE

I can write poems,
Fill them with meaning,
But unless I act upon them,
I'll just be dreaming.

Words say a lot,
Actions say more,
But is that the truth?
It seems it's ignored.

All bark and no bite,
Is a common phrase,
Do what you say,
Don't contradict your own ways.

If you say you're their friend,
Then be their friend,
Don't go behind their back
And stab them.

In a generation
Looking out for number one,
Make a difference,
And get the job done.

The job is simple,
Be who you are,
Don't try and be fake,
You won't get very far.

I know it's a bit choppy, but I thought I'd post it regardless.

The boy vs. the cynic

2009-05-10T13:00:00.002-05:00

I tried to communicate
I tried to relate
Now all I want to do is escape and vanish into fantasies
I ventured out of the galaxy into the outer regions
Where folks believe in something much much bigger than their demons
And aren’t controlled by their circumstances
Sounds romantic well dance with it slowly
In here my failures don’t control me
It’s a place of solitude but I’m not lonely
And it’s beautiful but lets be reasonable
It’s just not real it just plays with your imagination
And for a moment or two can make time stand still
But when it’s over all you have is a memory
I had to leave cuz the real world was calling me
I left my youth in pursuit of the truth and gained a world of dishonesty

(chorus)
I see your innocence and envy it
I reminisce of mine and remember it
Full of peace full of hope full of truth
I remember when I used to be you before you became me
I see your innocence and envy it
I reminisce of mine and remember it
Full of peace full of hope full of truth
I remember when I used to be you before you became me

Man it’s sort of overwhelming
It didn’t seem like I was storytelling
But you didn’t believe me when I told you that I could see my
Hopes and dreams come alive as it seems
But there’s a time and place for everything
Well I left my imagination there
Now it’s only what I can touch see taste and hear
With my natural senses I wish I could stretch the limits
But my defenses keep me limited from the boundaries I set
So I won’t get burned again
Sure I’d like to be optimistic but that doesn’t line up well with reality
So I’ll go to sleep now and dream of a younger healthier better me

(chorus)

Don’t mistake innocence for ignorance
Don’t mistake purity for inexperience
Don’t mistake humility for weakness
I sincerely mean this
You understand more than you know
There's no goal like peace of mind
So what else are you trying to find
What’s left except regret and heartache
And yes your heart will break and go numb lots of times before this life is done
You’ll look for answers but there’s just one
Patience one day it will make sense
But waiting is a pinch waking you up from the worlds you’ve made up
The one where you dream and the one where you gave up time
To create a new atmosphere where the boy and the cynic can both play fair

Wrote this poem on 2/14/2008

2009-05-09T14:00:00.002-05:00

a poem of hope

they say daddy left me, but I know differently,
He's been all along, right here comforting me.

i'm sitting in His hands, my fingers grace the holes,
realizing the sacrifice He made, so young and so bold.

the man that left was mere mortal, he had no clue,
when he left my mom & me, i would see the truth.

my Father in whose protection i now rest,
guides me, guards me, for i am His best.

the thorns on His head, lashes on His back,
remind me daily of the hurt i now lack.

He took it for me, bore all the pain,
my Daddy loves me so much, did it for my eternal gain.

my Dad is yours too, those that have that loss,
a father or a mother no matter to Him who died on the cross.

He gave me a hope, the same He promises to you,
hope of a better tomorrow, eternal life, that's what i wish to construe.

Jeremiah 29:11 " 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' "

This is made personal to me, wrote it because of what i've been through & so many other teenagers have & are going through right now.

there is hope.

-stephen

Cool the underdog by John Reuben

2009-05-09T13:00:00.000-05:00

Expecting an epic ending
Most underdogs wind up not winning
Believe anything in the midst of the moment
Selfish motives looked heroic
I speak vaguely to keep significance
Because it’s bigger than specifics
Man doesn’t want Heaven or Hell
All he wants is to live for himself
Unhealthy false sense of self worth and entitlement
Change as quick as status permits
No matter where you end up you won’t be content
Blame your surroundings
Blamed your surroundings
Because it was easy
An underdog instinctively greedy and if you ever succeed
You’ll be equally needy

The thrill of proving the world wrong is finally gone
You should move on
The thrill of proving the world wrong is finally gone
You could move on

Celebrate and exaggerate the story
What happens when it ends up not working
No rags to riches no fame or glory
I speak on behalf of the silent majority
Hard working with a pocket full of earnings
That don’t amount to much
Keep your head up
If success is just a fool's luck we’re stuck
But even the successful don’t get what they want

The thrill of proving the world wrong is finally gone
You should move
The thrill is finally gone
You could move on

According to the earth’s standards
Some of us are more important than others
Hey I guess life really isn’t fair
And sometimes cliche's are what you need to hear
But you were busy hiding behind sarcasm politics and fashion
A little too late to make a statement
Because you couldn’t figure out the way to make it
I hate to interrupt your fantasy but that chip on your shoulder is self pity
Self awareness became unhealthy close your eyes and enjoy the scenery
If genius can’t change the world he might as well leave it
If genius can’t change the world he might as well critique it

To someone

2009-05-08T14:00:00.001-05:00

Hmmmm....

Refreshed, is how I felt after that.

It sure did mean a lot, can't exactly explain.

To see such a familiar face, to see a smile on that face...it brings a smile to my face now.

a poem to you, a friend i care about

I could write a poem, I'm in that kind off mood,
"Thank you" & "That meant a lot" is mainly what it'd include.

For the most part, you've always been there to hear what I have to say,
Done a wonderful job of listening, just like yesterday.

We've gotten on each others nerves, not always got along,
Forgive and forget, turn a new page, and caring have been our songs.

Two individuals with years between you and I,
At a different part in our lives, somehow we can see eye to eye.

You've been good about understanding who I am,
You've tried to see my point of view, from this young man.

Though young in years, you've said wise words,
I've been there to receive them, trust me they've been heard.

I know at times you've struggled, that much I have seen,
You need to know I'm here to help so don't forget about me.

We're not the closest, and that's perfectly okay,
I've never asked to be, and I will not no way.

We've experienced smiles and frowns, tears and laughter on both ends,
Our friendship has had ups and downs, it's not for other people to understand.

I care about you, that you must know,
But in case you didn't realize what you mean to me, I wrote this poem to show.

;)

Not the greatest, I know, it's okay, it was from the heart.

I don't know exactly what to say after writing that, ummm I guess I'll say you have a special place in my heart.

The end!

5 years to write by John Reuben

2009-05-08T13:00:00.000-05:00

This vulnerability is kiling me internally
Not feeling much stability and I wish it could be easy
But it dont seem to be and so, I'm going to take it to the only place that i know to go
And lay these feelings in the hand of the creator
God of creation You show me how to relate to her
Meanwhile, I'm thanking You for lessons being learned
See my feelings have been shallow but I've watched my heart turn
Yes, she looks good, yes she looks fly
But deep down I know there's something more inside
Just like I'm praying that there's more in me
So when I look at she I just don't see naturally
Not saying physically, that I'll deny the attraction, but all in all that's just a simple satisfaction
That can be obtained through a glance of the eye
This was five years ago, man how time flies by

Beautiful soul full of spirit
I wonder if she'd hear it if I told her that she had a
Beautiful soul full of spirit
Beautiful soul full of spirit
I wonder if she'd hear it if I told her that she had a
Beautiful soul full of spirit

A few year later...
Her mind intrigues me
It leaves me sort of sick
Wondering what makes the mystery chic tick, history thick of pages and pages
Telling stories that can't be summed up in quick phrases
She's observant so she's seen my behavior
It's got me nervous wanting to stay away from her
I pray for her daily as well as perspective,
Battling with pride and thoughts of being rejected
And that's just not appealing
It's almost enough to make you disconnect your fellings or something
And try to move on and give them to someone else but yet
I care for her more than I care for myself
Man who needs this
I'm not even good with commitments
Plus I value my independence
In the end it's probably just a waste of time spent
Or maybe there's something more to this relationship

Beautiful soul full of spirit
I wonder if she'd hear it if I told her that she had a
Beautiful soul full of spirit
Beautiful soul full of spirit
I wonder if she'd hear it if I told her that she had a
Beautiful soul full of spirit

What's the point of caring when it hurts so much
If this is what love comes with I'd rather not touch it
In all honesty the outcome is uncertain
And I do run the risk of walking away hurting
Searching for clarity, spare me the dispair
I'd rather be alone and not even care
Than to share my trust because you can't control fate
So maybe I'll be alone but at least it's safe
I know that's stupid
Probably my insecurity
Or maybe God is using this to get through to me
Because in the back of my mind I'm always aware of her
Pushing me towards prayer and bettering my character
Making me think about the man I want to become
Regardless of the situation's outcome
Fast forward a few years into my life
Man this song about my wife took me five years to write

Beautiful soul full of spirit
I wonder if she'd hear it if I told her that she had a
Beautiful soul full of spirit

Have no opinion? by John Reuben

2009-05-07T13:00:00.000-05:00

Go ahead, grab your picket sign
So you can find out what you're protesting later on
It sure feels great to be a part of something, doesn't it?
Just as long as you belong
Hey, look at this
Little revolutionist
Trying to start a revolution with nothing to revolt against
Is it the truth that you're defending
Or the chance for you to grab some attention?
Well hey, there's the pedestal stand up straight
Don't it feel great?
Everyone can see your face
What's the cause again?
Why're you arguing?
It'll soon be forgotten, so why you bothering?
Youll be off to the next thing that'll keep your short fickle attention span stimulated
We're the products of a spoiled society
So naturally spoiled products are generated

You see, I have no opinion, I don't
I could, but I wont
Im tired of arguing
So don't begin with what cannot end
Because Im tired

Youre defined by having an open mind
Yet you close me out every time I speak mine
We could agree to disagree and move on but humans love proving each other wrong
Forget it
Religion, cultural differences, politics
This could go on forever if we let it
This repetitive rhetoric is pathetic
Back to nowhere is where the argument's headed
You are who you are
Who am I to end it?
Hey I can't make you think past your mental limit
Im not God, I do not set the standard
Do not look to me if you want to expand yours
You see, me and you, we didn't create the truth
Without the grace of God our views are construed and at best just a good attempt
Heck, it wasn't until I surrendered my opinion that life made sense

I have no opinion, I don't
I could but I wont
Im tired of arguing
I have no opinion, nor do I need to win
See, Im tired, I'm tired of arguing
So don't begin with what cannot end
Because Im tired, I'm tired of arguing
I have no opinion, actually I do
I just don't want to dispute with you

Im only so many years old
Raised in Columbus, Ohio what do I know?
Midwest perspective, Midwest approach to life
American church, American Jesus Christ
The dos and don'ts, the wrongs and rights
The facts of life aren't always black and white
But when it's all said and done, at the end of the day
Im trusting God to guide me through the gray

See, I have no opinion I don't
I could, but I wont
Im tired of arguing
I have no opinion, nor do I need to win
See, Im tired, I'm tired of arguing
So don't begin with what cannot end
Because Im tired, I'm tired of arguing

Chapter 1 by John Reuben

2009-05-06T13:00:00.000-05:00

The Boy Vs. The Cynic, Chapter one, page one.
I'll start from the top...

I’ll embrace dreams again when I can breath again
And at that point I won’t be needing them
It became clear to me that I was fighting a war I couldn’t win
You don’t make it on your own merit
Only royalty inherits the kingdom
And that’s a system good intentions can’t help

Your courage is not good here so don’t try to excel
What a sad day when you realize nothing can change
The revolution didn’t leave you it never came
There will be no parades, no royal balls
Just long days topped off with last calls for alcohol
Go to sleep wake up and repeat the same routine
Smooth skin dressed with wrinkles and brown eyes
With dark rings and entertainers sing of extremes that don’t exist for you or me

When real life is reality TV no wonder our youth don’t believe in anything
It’s all a joke there are no heroes just those of us with high hopes

It’s just not that simple
I’m not trying to save it all I just want to create a ripple
And even if one individual is affected it’s monumental with an unusual perspective
That’s beautiful in essence traditional thinking won’t suggest this
Is life really that precious well yes it is
But there will be no celebrations or congratulations
No pat on the back just your mind intact
And the freedom to feel your heart beat at the speed of life
Go to sleep tonight knowing you did it right

And rest easy outside of a system that resents you for not doing what they expect you to do
Psychologically wear you down and then they make the suggestion that you get on a prescription to deal with your depression
Anxious lazy temperamental obese
That’s what money makers like to call a disease

And they’ll be looking for or creating new problems with profitable solutions
To solve them but you won’t get any better you’ll just come back for more
Until your medicine drawer is filled with unreliable cures
And that’s the way of the beast
And I can’t do nothing about it
I could shout it in a room that’s crowded but I doubt it’d make a difference

So ignorance will be my disguise cause 21st century America likes its witchcraft civilized
21st century America likes its witchcraft civilized

What about them by John Reuben

2009-05-05T13:00:00.000-05:00

(chorus)
Puff the magic Jesus
Floats around the universe
The United States is His favorite place on the whole entire earth
So sing your songs and wave your flag
And thank the Lord for all you have
But what about them?
Did you forget about them?

We came we conquered never speak of this again
Life must go on let’s not think of them
Things are comfortable now the pioneers have settled in
A perfect blend of progress and pale skin
For our sake and those to come
We’ll rewrite the text so you can forget where you came from
Tell it in a way that will build your self esteem
Repackage the product and sell the American dream

(chorus)

History is best forgotten and even better rewritten
And since there’s no forgetting let’s remember it different
Commit to it so strongly till you believe it
The truth is there but you aren’t able to receive it
You need to know you’re safe here
Hide your face here cuz you found your faith here
But four walls with no windows doesn’t mean you’re it
Four walls with no windows doesn’t mean they don’t exist

(chorus)

What a prosperous, wondrous place
Remember to say grace before we scrape our plates
And ignore the crying outside the door sure
You’ll pray for their burdens but you don’t want to make it yours
Thin lines divide but there’s a world of difference
So crawl back into your happy existence and feel the bliss of ignorance keep you warm
Blessed are those who mourn but it’s so foreign
The more you have the less you care
The less you care the more you become unaware
And sure life’s not fair but it favors us apparently
And how are we to interpret this excess
Is it God’s favor ill-behavior or simply man’s modern progress
God bless us as we sweep this mess under the rug
Don’t want to walk barefoot on the tile and step in the mud
Out of sight out of mind and pushed to the side
Left for someone else to rationalize and justify

(chorus)

No regrets by John Reuben

2009-05-04T13:00:00.000-05:00

Man it's hard lookin back and now able to see and
Wishin' to God sometimes that I could do it all again
Strugglin' can start to take it's toll,
16 years old tryin' to change what you can't control
And it's not your fault but tell me what can you do
When things fall apart and everybody's lookin at you
With two fingers pointed screamin' get it together whatever man
But who's in the mix to show me any better
So whatever I'm runnin' on my own solo
Tryin' to make things happen off the little bit I know
And I guess I'll get what I get but yet
I don't want to live my life full of regrets

Pre chorus:
To the future in the palm of God's hand
To the past as of now that I can't understand
To the future uncertain unclear
To the past I left to bring me here i stay i pray i stay i pray

The earth rotates and my world keeps spinnin
Feelin like I never started but it's all endin'
And I stand here lonely a million familiar faces
But yet no one truly knows me
So I'll try to move on and I'll try to know how
But the truth is I'm really just runnin from the now
I can't handle it I feel like the future's all I got
Don't want to deal with my past
I choose memory block to stop how I feel don't want to be
Real with it, run from reality in attempts to deal with it
But it's not workin' and I'm still hurtin,
Nah it's not workin' and I'm still searchin'

(chorus)
To the future in the palm of God's hand
To the past as of now that I can't understand
To the future uncertain unclear
To the past I left to bring me here i stay i pray i stay i pray
No regrets no regrets but it's hard
No regrets no regrets I say
No regrets no regrets I stay in Him in Him

I'm tryin' to live right and pass on what I believe
But it's hard to give when you can't receive
Yet I'm learnin' slowly n surely
And I'm secure enough to admit my insecruity
See I know something in me has got to change
God of creation I hear you callin' my name
Offerin' peace n joy and freedom from shame
Offerin' nothin' to lose but a life to gain

(chorus)

Does anybody hear her by Casting Crowns

2009-05-03T22:26:00.002-05:00

This song is very near and dear to me...a song I'm putting on here for a few people that I know...for what they've been through, and for a few other people I know...and what they've yet to go through.

Please be smart, please exercise wisdom, think critically, use judgment...that is my prayer, these are the lyrics:

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even knows she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even knows she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

If judgment looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her

If judgment looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even knows she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

He is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction.

*sighs* What a song...it gets me every single time.

Jezebel by John Reuben

2009-05-03T21:00:00.000-05:00

First glimpse, instant attraction
She acted as if my interest was a common reaction
Took satisfaction in knowin she was beautiful
She twisted up the blessing and she used it as a tool
Of manipulation, yet I was blinder at aim
She was very athletic, but yet excelled at the mind game
Lame excuse, but it’s the truth, come on, I mean
I was young and naive and would’ve believed anything
When it came to sweetheart, she had me wrapped
Around her little finger and my mind was tapped
But none the less, I’m the fault obviously
I was confused and chose stupidity over patiently waiting
I mean how could I not see that tryin to fill a God-sized void with her
Would only leave me empty, but I did it
And like a stupid human I fell
By the way, what’s her name
I think they call her Jezebel

(chorus)
Jezebel, who? Jezebel, man, who is she, what is she?
Man, it’s hard to tell
Jezebel, who? Jezebel, come on, what is she about?

Second glimpse, still attracted, but I’m not quite sure
Been playin games with Jezebel, but now I question what for
Before, it was a motivation, now, it’s not clear
Now I’m askin myself, Reuben, who’s the one at fault here
See, I’m the fool so why do I remain
In a relationship with all to loose, yet nothing to gain
Except headache, heartache, and an occasional where you been
Pssssssst, Jezebel, where’d you hear that (from a friend)
Frontin Godliness, I say hey miss, you’re posin
You love material things, but your favorite’s sheepskin clothin
So then what can I say, her charm fades by the day
And I’m askin the Good Lord, whatever twisted me to stay
Strayed for a moment, now it’s time to let go
Though my willpower’s weak, man, there’s one thing that I know
That greater is he that’s in me than he who’s in this world
And it wasn’t the he in me that hooked it up with this girl

(chorus)

Life must go on, the dawn of a new day was rising
I opened up my eyes and then I started realizin
That my vision was blurred so there will be no third glimpse
After two and a half, I think I came to my sense
So with this, I think it’s time that we parted
And dismiss somethin we should never started
So miss, I guess I’ll say farewell
One last time for the books, her name was what?

(chorus)

Defensive offender by John Reuben

2009-05-02T19:29:00.000-05:00

Did it make you feel good to break me down
Did it make you feel good to take me down
Was life getting to you was it all you knew to do
What kind of comfort did you feel by making me less than you
Did it make you feel good to know that your attempt to bring me down
Was beginning to control my perception of self
And that’s what you wanted right
To manipulate my thinking and dominate what I feel like
Tap into my thinking tap into my will
What causes human motives to be so ill
You pushed a man looking to make him react
Then you stand there smirking satisfied that I snapped

(chorus)
I’m no better than you you’re no better than me
We’re just flesh and bone looking for some identity
I’m no better than you you’re no better than me
We’re just flesh and bone looking for some security

Did it make me feel good to break you down
Did it make me feel good to take you down
What did it do for me to put your respect on the line
By taking yours did I find it to build mine
Hold my head high from the outcome
How come when I’m doing things I used to run from
Scrap the pitch fork horns and animated terror
Looked in the mirror and found evil standing right there
I guess this is the point when you see Satan in you
No form of retaliation was worth hating you
I take that view and then I eat my words too
I guess all along I was no better than you

(chorus)

Some want peace and some want war
So many hate without knowing what for
Some are naturally rich but spiritually poor
Some have so much but would kill for more
Some are unsure so they front hardcore
And try to dominate those that make them insecure
And I’ve been on both sides before
A defensive offender stripped down to the core

(chorus)

I pictured it by John Reuben

2009-05-02T04:03:00.002-05:00

(chorus)
Have you ever felt something you couldn’t explain
No definition no name just a feeling
No definition no name
I looked at her she looked back at me
Her face looked different than I pictured it

And then there was me analyzing life more than I was living
Anything possible good I’ll destroy before the chance was ever given
See if I never have anything I’ll never have to lose anything
But then again if I never had anything worth losing
I guess I lost everything either way
You could say pain will become a result from both
So actually I’m giving in to the very thing that I fear the most
Losing it all everything completely unaware that a fear of failure
Was the one thing that was taking me there
Fear of life fear of love fear of man failure to relate
How I and God and His voice to me would even begin to translate
So I wait to escape this condition of rationalizing my own destruction
But I keep on listening to voices that don’t deserve my discussion

(chorus)

She’s an artist alright
Capable of the most abstract stuff imaginable
And it’s made personal for me
See she uses my mind as the canvas to create her manipulated perspectives on life
So I’m the only one that can even see what I see
Until the art hits the heart and begins to take an outward expression
Kind of like an involuntary confession of the soul
And who’s in control
And how many minds have been painted by the hands of crafty irrationality
And have different paintings of reality hanging on the walls in a fictional gallery

(chorus)

Actions speak louder than words
And I’ve come to find that I’ve been building on a design
That could only be found in my mind
Blind to the force behind what caused my accuracy to be tainted
Cuz my mind was smart enough to manipulate itself
But not smart enough to figure out it was being manipulated

(chorus)

Marriage

2009-05-02T03:14:00.002-05:00

I'm not plenty of things,

Physically speaking...maybe I'm not the "perfect" example of human specimen,

I don't have the build of a Greek god,

My voice isn't comparable to the angelic host,

Like I said...I'm not plenty of things.

If I'm not careful, I can let that bother me.

But honestly, I don't care if my appearance is not perfect, is not up to par...

Whose standards am I trying to meet?

I must ask myself that question daily.

In regards to MARRIAGE

Here are my late night thoughts:

Just being real here...honestly at times I have my doubts,

Doubts about finding that special lady...about that lady finding me...

When will it happen? Where? How?...

I would like to know, I would like to find her, but I'm going to be patient.

When it comes down to it...being "real" here, it's not about me finding her, her finding me,

It's about me finding HIM, her finding HIM.

What a concept to have to grasp, isn't it?

So I wait...as is the story of my life...I will wait on the Lord.

I'm not going up to every woman, asking if she's the one, but my eyes are open.

She could be here on my campus, or she could be home in my city, I do not know for sure.

As I've stated before, I'm not interested in turning heads, as the woman whom I'm to marry is the woman whose heart I want to turn.

If that is not a concept that can be grasped, then to be politically incorrect here: you ain't her.

So now I wait, not saying it's easy, but it's all I know to do.

To my future wife...my prayer is this:

"I cannot wait to meet you, I am so excited at the thought of spending the rest of my life with you. May the Lord prepare your heart, and mine as well, for the trials and hardships we have yet gone through. Even now, my love grows for you daily, and I know it will be a love I have never known for a woman. I look forward to you being my best friend, my lifelong companion, my wife, the mother of our children, most importantly...my sister in Christ. Until that day...when our hearts are turned toward one another...I wait patiently for the Lord's timing"

Goodnight.

In the words of Steve McQueen...

2009-05-02T00:33:00.001-05:00

...from The Magnificent Seven

"Sometimes you bend with the breeze.....or you break"

I don't know...

2009-05-01T20:51:00.002-05:00

what to write...I'm just drained.

I'm ready to be at home.

I'm ready to just work.

Ready to earn and save money.

Ready to make it on my own as much as I can at this point in my life.

Granted I understand it'll never be completely on my own, as I will ALWAYS need my Father.

Don't think I'm leaving Him out, cuz I'm not.

I guess that's all, I don't know what else to say...*sighs*

Just a thought

2009-04-28T09:54:00.001-05:00

I have heard it said:

"It is better to have Loved and Lost, than to never have Loved at all"

What if I stumble, what if I fall?

2009-04-28T02:23:00.005-05:00

What If I Stumble by dc Talk

[The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today
Is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.]

What if I stumble?
What if I fall?

Is this one for the people?
Is this one for the Lord?
Or do I simply serenade for things I must afford?
You can jumble them together, my conflict still remains
Holiness is calling, in the midst of courting fame

Cause I see the trust in their eyes
Though the sky is falling
They need Your love in their lives
Compromise is calling

(chorus)
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?

Father please forgive me for I can not compose
The fear that lives within me
Or the rate at which it grows
If struggle has a purpose
On the narrow road you've carved
Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar

Do they see the fear in my eyes?
Are they so revealing?
This time I cannot disguise
All the doubt I'm feeling

(repeat chorus)

What if I stumble?
Everyone's got to crawl when you know that
You're up against a wall, it's about to fall
Everyone's got to crawl when you know that (2x)

I hear You whispering my name [You say]
"My love for You will never change" [never change]

(repeat chorus 2x)

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You are my comfort, and my God

Is this one for the people, is this one for the Lord?

----------------------------------------------------------

Oh Lord...let me be a light, let me be a living example of your Son.

Regardless if it's my school, my workplace, even the church Lord.

And Lord, when I stumble, because I know I will, I know You'll be there to pick me up.

*sighs* You know me Lord, You know what's on my heart, my mind...

This is me...for who I truly am...

2009-04-28T01:26:00.006-05:00

(WARNING: This is who I am, if you're afraid to read it, if you don't want to know who I really am, then don't read)

Lost,

Unloved,

Lonely,

Hopeless,

Failing,

Confused,

Hurt,

Weak,

Weary,

Exhausted,

Burdened,

Frustrated,

Mystified,

Stressed,

Defeated,

Concerned,

Prideful,

Unwilling,

Outcast,

Ignored,

Desperate,

Stagnant,

Defenseless,

Struggling,

Lustful,

Guilty,

Sinful,

Ashamed,

Empty,

Depraved,

Corrupt,

Immoral,

Blind,

Condemned,

Unworthy,

Yet I am ALIVE STILL,

Not just physically,

But Spiritually,

In HIM I am ALIVE,

I am still all of these,

But so much more,

In HIM I am,

Found,

Complete,

Loved,

Righteous,

Unburdened,

Peaceful,

Content,

Humble,

Meek,

Confident,

Saved,

Fulfilled,

Strong,

Wise,

Protected,

Comforted,

ALIVE,

HIS.

Hmmm...late at night...

2009-04-27T01:20:00.004-05:00

It's when moods of seriousness come over me.

Thoughts fill my mind.

Within three days classes will be over.

Next week my freshman year will be over.

Three years and I'll be done with college.

Next year maybe I'll meet my wife.

So much is happening.

So much change.

I'm not exactly sure about it all, not exactly sure where it is I am going.

All I know to do is put one foot in front of the other, and trust that the Lord will continue to place the ground beneath every step I take.

With the job I have now, and the possibility of another God willing, this will be a busy summer.

I don't know...all of the sudden I just have a lot on my mind...about the past...the present...and the future.

I must stop for now, I cannot continue.

G'nite

I have

2009-04-25T02:53:00.002-05:00

Deleted my myspace, it took up too much time.

I also deactivated my facebook because it also took up too much time, but I will be back on there later.

Failure

2009-04-20T22:26:00.002-05:00

is what I am.

Failure: The condition or fact of being insufficient or falling short

Day in and day out this is my name, this is who I am....

Or so it seems.

From the moment I was born, I was dead.

I was an infant facing the world on my own.

I had no one to save me, no hope of a future had I known.

I had the word "FAILURE" stamped on my forehead, for all to see.

But.

Though all seemed hopeless, though I seemed destined for doom, there was a glimmer of hope.

Two individuals in my life: my father and my mother.

You see their story was not that much different than mine, until one day in their lives they were lead to a Savior, to The Savior.

This Savior turned these stories of failure into success.

Maybe not earthly success as we as humans might view them, but ones of eternal success, eternal life.

They lead me to their Savior, and He became mine.

No longer was I a failure by His standards, for I was His child.

Little did I know how true that would turn out to be.

A mere 4 years later, one of the two individuals that lead me to my Savior, walked away from everything.

He left all that he knew, his wife, his child, his friends, but most importantly his Savior.

So yet again, as a young child both physically and spiritually, I felt failure taking me over.

Why, Why, Why. WHY........WHY? (did my dad leave me)

The one individual who stayed, my mother, turned me back to my Savior.

It was during the months after, that no longer was He just my Savior, He was my Father.

He wrapped me up, told me "you are NOT fatherless, for I AM your Father".

"You're NOT a failure"

"You HAVE purpose, you HAVE meaning"

"You ARE loved"

"You WILL get through this"

"You WILL come out stronger"

"You WILL be a testimony for Me"

"I WILL HELP YOU THROUGH THIS"

That was nearly 10 years ago, I've called Him my Father ever since.

HE is my success story.

That does not mean I still don't feel like a failure at times.

Failure to be the man of God He really desires me to be.
Failure to live for Him everyday, with every breath I take.
Failure to be a Christ-like example.
Failure...Failure...Failure.

To think I was born dead, that I can never make it on my own...how can I live with that? How can anyone live with that?

To know without Him, I am nothing, humbles me. It makes me realize how selfish I can be for sitting in my own pity, for even writing about how much of a failure I am.

Because ultimately, in the end, it's not my failures that will bring me to Heaven to be forever with my Father, it's His success, my success story that He has authored.

So yes I fail, yes we fail, but don't sit in your failure...instead stand in His success.

i am because He Is

Dreams Haunt Me...

2009-04-19T20:44:00.003-05:00

...Dreams that seem so real.

I cannot explain how they make me feel, nor can I expect anyone to understand in the first place.

Images and memories of things past.

When I'm trying to press on, trying to move on, this doesn't help me at all.

I don't understand...it's not even on my mind and I still have them?

Is it subconscious?

How much longer must I endure this?

I can't expect anyone to understand, and the one person I could expect to understand...

Overlook me...

2009-04-18T04:48:00.003-05:00

...I don't mind.

I'm patient, I'll wait as I bide my time.

When it comes to women, blond is all the rage.

When it comes to men, dark is what's hott.

Well it looks like I'm the odd one out in this category.

But yet again, I've never been the head turner, at least to my knowledge I've never been.

Honestly though, I've never been concerned with "turning heads".

For you see I've come to this realization, I've come up with a new phrase of sorts:

"It's not about turning heads, it's about turning hearts."

I'm not interested in marrying a woman, whom I merely turned her head, I want her to love me for who I am, thus I want to turn her heart.

Sure I get complements on how I look, about my appearance, sure I have turned a few heads, but when it comes down to it, I'm gonna be old and grey one day and all of that physical beauty will fade away.

The best part is, the "who I am" part of me won't lose it's beauty, in fact it'll only grow.

So, my physically focused generation, I have a challenge for you:

Be more concerned with turning Hearts than heads.